I Am Not Good At This, But I Have Hope For It

Love is not fickle. It is a choice, and a claw which digs into the heart and drops anchor. Love lets go, but love does not stop pursuing. Its voice calls out in the night, lamenting when separated, rejoicing when reunited. The walls of the bitter cannot muffle it, though the inhabitant covers his ears with his pillow.

Love does not rest. There is no relent in its vocabulary, no ceasing in its action. Sight returns to the blind, mobility to the lame. Deepest scars are healed by it, predispositions of gender and genealogy are torn asunder by it. Sleepless eyes close heavy in its arms. Love’s constant knock on the door runs on into the darkest night of the soul.

Love rejects that which is not love because love’s nature demands it so. Hate cannot exist where there is love, but tries with everything to destroy it. But love is indestructible. It will not be stopped.

Love transcends the moment, because love is eternal. It outlasts the pains that are so prevalent in this world. Because it is truth, it outlasts. Love abides no lies, nor does it wear a mask to hide it’s vulnerability. There is freedom in its honesty, which also means that there is pain. These pains are endured, though, because love endures all things. Hardships, poverty, drought and excess. Hunger, waste, murder, rebellion, and ravaging of the planet. Love is vast and ever-expanding. Therefore, love covers a multitude of sins.

Love is sacrificial, forgiving. Love may change its appearance, but it does not quit when denied.

Love does not recognize itself, for love does not think of itself. Love does not take, does not ask to be returned, but celebrates each time that it is. Love asks only to be received. Love does not require return, but requires to be poured out in full. But love never runs out. Love never fails.

Running Through Fire

“Love hurts- but sometimes, it’s a good hurt, and it feels like I’m alive.” -Incubus

Some of the more pessimistic and/or self-serving dowhatyouwant camps like to say that, “You can’t change who you are.”  So we seek sex; pornography, if there is no sex to be found. Drugs; pop tarts if we are uncomfortable with needles. Fantasy; video games and books if reality is too hard to confront. We try to ignore the fact that these urges seem so unnatural at times. Eventually, after enough pursuit, they are no longer natural, but become our most basic desires. My friends, we have  already changed who we are, and most of us are only vaguely aware of it.

These things that we keep using to try and find our identity are rooted in a lack of love. Sure, we may seek them in order to feel loved, or in order to ignore the fact that we feel as though we are not, but when it comes down to it, these things are empty. They are viewed as fulfilling, or worthy of being sought, but only because they bring us pleasure.

The thing I’m finding is that pleasure and feeling “good” and having it easy do not equate to true goodness.

And in actuality, this is why we won’t look for love in Christ. Many of us understand that to sacrifice one’s life for another is a very loving thing to do, but that love that asks us to enter into relationship requires that we step into who we really are because it is entering into a relationship with the One who made us, the One who knows who we really are. So love is no longer just a mushy feeling that gives you tingles like a kiss under your ear, but it is a transforming, uncompromising force for our own good. We just do not, in fact, want to be transformed. And why? Because transformation sucks. It often hurts, and is, at its most relieving, is mildly irritating.

Because love does not compromise, we would seek the easier route. We would try to find our solace in the things of the world rather than sit in love’s arms. Rather than realize that love has self-control, we would give into our impatience and be overly-physical with the ones we love. Rather than realize that love is kind, we would pout and swear and throw things when we don’t get what we want.

We were not made to be this way. It is not the true intention of our Creator to have us looking for self-satisfaction in things that He did not intend to exist. We were made to seek justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with our God. His grace, given through the example, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, enables us to do what we were made to do. We don’t have to worry about doing it. It is already within us when we accept His Spirit.

I know, I know, there’s so much jargon. I guess my point, if I had any, was this:

If you want to know who you really are, give yourself to others, and give yourself to God. It’s not easy, but that’s only because we’ve been feeding on the lie so long. Let’s trade in the fatty and sugary taste for what will actually sustain us. Let’s take off our masks.

Let love be without hypocrisy.

May it be so!

 

Words, Love, and Authority

Does God not want me to accept love? Does He desire that I would despair in my sin instead of repent and move on? Does Jesus not want me to know the power of His healing and forgiveness? Does He want me to fail and ruin my relationships with my family, friends, and girlfriend? Does He want me to writhe in doubt and second-guessing? Does He want me to dwell in my mistakes instead of helping the poor, setting captives free, and working to bring the Gospel to all ears?

No. But do you know who does?

My sin, my brokenness, Satan, and all his horned and winged sonsuhbitches. Everything opposed to me. The truth, though, is that God wants me to succeed in what He has set out to do through and in me. His plan is perfect, and it can be worked out in us if we would only believe what He has to say to and about us. But bad things happen, life gets hard, and emotions run high.

There are things in this world that will try to dictate what the truth is. You are unloved. You are not worth being loved. 

But there are other things that will tell you what the truth is. “How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.”, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but would have eternal life.”

These words are words of love. In a world full of pain and suffering, there are words telling me that my experience does not define the complete truth, but only a part: someone is against us. The good news is, supposedly, that God is for us. It’s very hard for me to believe this, with all of my failures, with all of my sin, and with all the sin and failures of this world.

Words are backed by what we do. I often fail to do what I think is right. The same goes for God. His words are backed by what He does. What is strange is that when He speaks, things happen. We all know it, “Let there be light.” and there was. Wow. Words that create action.

God’s most gracious and loving Word was the person of Jesus. His greatest verbal expression of love was spoken through frail lips on a cross: “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

And it was done.

There are people in my life who constantly speak their love to me, but it is hard for me to accept their words. The problem here is that I am claiming authority on what they think and feel. You can’t really love me, I’m a piece of crap.

But who am I to do that? I am not the authority of your love. I am the authority over my love and my love alone.

Jesus has told me that He loves me, and His work does not contradict His words.

I am learning that my experience in the past does not define the love of those most invested in my life.

I do not have authority over your love. But I do accept it. With gratitude.

patience is a virtue

“love is patient.” -st. paul

“i want to be well. (i’m not fucking around!)” -sufjan stevens

 

gardening has never been one of my strong suits. i like to work with my hands, but only if i can have direct results in front of me after i am done blistering my skin and getting crispy in the sun. this is where i become less than content with the idea of working in a garden. there are hours of work. tiring, almost thankless work. and what do i usually have to show for it? almost nothing- at least at first. growth in plants is very slow, so slow that molasses becomes exciting to watch. in a garden, change is imperceptible. i can’t see it at all after i’m done giving myself, breaking my back over the soil. yet months later, once i have forgotten how much work i have put into the ground, the garden is covered in plants. flourishing. growing. bearing fruit. it doesn’t seem worth it to me by the end.

i have never been a patient person. my mind is very “now” oriented. there’s a theory that i have; i believe that God specifically plays against my impatience. every time that i feel something should happen, or should be happening, i am forced to wait or, at best, am left unaware of the things that are going on around and within me. the closer i get to obtaining something that i desire, His hand seems to come down in my path, effectively saying the word that i hate the most.

“wait.”

our culture is on my side. in an age of instantaneous results, fast food, deadlines, quotas, and productivity meetings, we have effectively become a people who know what we want and when we want it: now. to be honest, i’m not sure if i am a product of the world around me, or if i am the one causing it to become more self-entitled. one way or another, though, i want it all figured out. sooner than later. and the world seems to be with me on this.

some of the most well-known and oft-recited words on love talk about how love is patient, kind, selfless, etc. it’s not hard for me to be kind (for the most part). i can even be selfless at times, though not as often as i should or would even like to be. but patience… oh, patience. it’s here that i find myself having a problem. much like freddy mercury, i want it all, and i want it now. unfortunately, that is not very convenient for the people i love, and especially not for my girlfriend, who usually becomes the butt of most of my impatience-related frustrations. thankfully, the people i love have much more patience for my failings than i do for things in this life that don’t actually matter all that much.

in this time of immense impatience and self-inflicted frustration, i am really seeing how awful i can be at waiting. for the first time i am starting to see how patient God is with me. and He asks me to have that same patience. if i were Him, i would have zapped my ass off this earth a long time ago. it is only because His patience is a phenomenal Grace that i have not been thored into oblivion at this point. maybe i have to wait because i don’t know how to. they say experience is a better teacher than facts and whatnot. so every time i hear my least favorite word, it’s probably not the cruelness of God getting in my way so that Jesus and the Holy Spirit can laugh at me. it is, in fact, the Spirit working in me to make me more like Jesus. it is, in fact, God answering my most desperate prayer- that i would have opportunities to be more Christlike.

so instead of complaining, let’s thank God for these times that we can grow closer to Him. let’s look at these prolonging of achieving as blessings, not just an obstacle, but a lesson. let’s hang onto the hand of our Lord, who patiently bears us into salvation.

i’m tired of being impatient. i want to be able to take whatever comes my way, and to wait for the good that is set before me so that i can enjoy and steward it the way that i was intended to. i’m tired of being impatient. and the only way to solve this is to… well… be patient.

hopes and dreams, porches and cigarettes

many of my weekend nights are spent on the couch of the symmetry house on broadway, home of my good friends. we spend most nights watching an important piece of film, debating the merits of album x or book y, discussing theology, etc. the hours are late, and the mornings begin even later. it is a home away from home, a respite for the mind and spirit.

and let’s not forget those who reside within this home. upon my entry last night, brock and andrew began immediately debating about something that i cannot remember, but the over-all attitude brings a smile to me even now. and as soon as danny got home, discourse about what makes a person an artist versus what made someone a person that wants to be an artist began. then skyler arrives, and we agree that james franco is a versatile actor. i am amazed to sit among these men, who accept me in and consider my thoughts and views. they are good men, full of the same fervor for life that i am, albeit in different forms than i.

upon awakening this morning at eleven o’clock (still morning by a.m./p.m. standards), i grabbed a cup of coffee and went out onto the porch to have a smoke with danny and andrew. there we discussed the wonders of constraint by recording with tape and the eccentricities of jack white. just the three of us, sitting on the steps of the porch as cars bulleted by, unaware or uncaring of the strange cigarette-holders that the white stripes’ front man uses. our world is a cloister where we eagerly defend, support, and purport our musical nerdiness. this house, for me, is a place where i can open up, say anything i feel like, and then sift through the unfiltered ideas, looking for whole-grain worthwhile. the symmetry house is a holy confessional, held together in confidence and open-mindedness.

and as i sit there, offering up tobacco-stained vapor to the heavens, i realized something that has been forming and coming to fruition over the past couple of weeks. i live the life that i have always wanted. we are starving artists, staying up late, sleeping in later, expressing our opinions and thoughts and misunderstandings to each other and to God. my friends and my surroundings are blurred in a sudden flash of creativity and endless possibility. i live to be inspired, in order to give back to the Eternal One whom gives all good things. and one of the best good things in my life is the space that has been created by my friends in this house.

so blessings to you, andrew, danny, brock, and skyler, for being so open and funny and excited about the same stupid shit that excites me. blessings to you, o house of recycled items thrown back and forth between garbage can and plastics bin, o home of inspiration and creativity. blessings to you, symmetry house, o megaphone pressed against my soul and sending my longings to God.

life life

this world is full of death.

today (monday, the 15th) is the birthday of two of my friends, andie and afton hilgers. both of them bring me immense joy, and are full of life and give me hope for people in this world. a year ago, i could not have imagined that they would be my friends, granted that i didn’t even know them. yet life has a funny way of colliding us into each other in such a way that we’ve left impacts. i am so grateful for the both of them, and miss them sorely from oregon.

on the other side of things, a while back a friend of my roommates named john was diagnosed with cancer. doctors found two tumors on his brain, and we have spent much time praying and crying out to God on his account. after some time, he was finally able to get scheduled for a pretty serious operation to have the tumors removed. the date scheduled for surgery was today, the same day which i celebrate the birth of two of my closest friends. upon entering the hospital, john was given an mri to locate the tumors and plan a strategy for their removal.

the strange thing is, though, that neither tumors could be found.

that’s right. you heard me correctly. gone. this life-threatening disease that has kept many of us awake and in supplication to the Lord no longer exists. we could go back and forth and talk about coincidence and phenomenon, but the fact is that our friend- who was dying- is alive. very much so. it’s miraculous.

now, i don’t know how God works. i’m not sure why some are healed and others aren’t. i don’t know why sometimes He reveals Himself as healer, and other times as Comforter to the survivors. but the fact is that i am going to praise Him for this miracle.

so in summary: two of my most appreciated and greatest friends are celebrating twenty years on this harsh world, and another was cured of cancer, not due to any human effort.

this world is full of death. but every so often, life pushes up through the cracks, and reminds us that God is good, and that He has other things for us.

now, if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to fall asleep to sufjan’s “the age of adz” and dream of a Life that never ends.

(be)longing

so i’m pretty much chomping at the bit to be home. every little fiber of my body is ready to be absorbed in the oregon air. there’s two weeks that i have left in minnesota, and it’s been really hard to not count down the days. time goes slower when you are aware of it, doesn’t it? and to top it all off, i’ve never been the patient type.

there’s a strange sense of belonging that comes over me when i think about coming back. i’m not really sure why, seeing as i’ve never really felt like i have a home. is it possible that roots are starting to poke out from my feet? is it possible that i’m ready to settle?

i’m not so quick to say that. but i guess it is possible.

point is, i don’t think it’s so much salem as much as it is my friends and family in salem.  ecclesia is my house church, and more than just in the sense of where we meet. being with them is where i belong. why is that? because that is where God would have me belong. true, we’re a motley crue of people, and sometimes it doesn’t really seem like our lives are making drastic changes. yet when i look back over the past two-three years that we’ve been together (from josiah asking us to speak as we feel lead to having to interrupt discussion to get back on point),  it’s very obvious that this little thing that started as a bible-study among late-night dirty-birders (red robin folk) has drastically reformed many of our lives, and for the better.

i belong among the strange questions and the unspoken doubts. i belong in the acoustic rantings and quiet introspections. it’s my home because it’s where people who are vastly different from me (and i vastly different from them) can connect with the longings of my spirit (and i with the longing of theirs). so yes, i’m coming home. and no, i don’t mean salem. i mean wherever it is that He is with me. and He’s saying, “let’s go back and spend time with our family.”

 

so, jordan, angie, jordan, kevin, jordan, matt, katy, kenny, holli (holly, hollie?), jolie, brent, turner, jenn, kelly, sarah, dale, paula, d.j., lindsey, michael, julie, and taylor:

i can’t wait to see you. and i can’t wait to once again take part in the body of Christ with some of my favorite toes, eyes, noses, eyelashes (halleen), etc.

 

blah-g

well, it’s official. i’m coming back to oregon on the first of november. crazy, huh? want to know something even more crazy?

i’m going back to school.

deep breath. i know it’s a lot to handle. and not a moment too soon. for some reason, i’ve been feeling pretty jaded lately. things i’ve never questioned before are now in question. things i used to love i can no longer stand. being out here has really changed me. i hope that it’s for the better. it’s not that i think that i can’t get through this period of skepticism out here in minnesota. i just want to see my family and friends. i want all of this spiritual experience to be balanced.

i don’t ever feel like i really know what’s going on in my life, and i think it’s coming to a point in which i’m going to need to grab a hold of something a little more solid. maybe it’s time to settle down, start a family. “do something with your life,” as my mom would say. i have no idea what that would look like, and at this point, i’m not sure that i would care. i have not had a dream or aspiration for years. maybe it’s time God and i went shopping.

“what do you think of this one?”

it should be an interesting process, this trying to find a middle ground. it’s frustrating, this feeling that i’ve been wrong my whole life. but maybe i haven’t. maybe it’s just time for a new season. i find myself being more irritable lately. i miss home. i never thought i’d call salem that, but- well, there it is. i miss andrew, i miss noel and hamsa. i miss kevin and jordan, and my church, and our lovably stupid dogs (bernard is going to pay for sleeping in my bed during my absence). i miss my sister, and my mom and dad. hell, i even miss avoiding my ex’s family.

do you ever feel like God has positioned your heart to feel like there’s nothing there? or am i falling into darkness? i doubt it’s the latter, since it would imply God’s giving up on me. but that’s where i am. i love my job here, but i have nothing left in me. i feel like i’m dying emotionally, becoming harder as the days go by. i need to hug noel again. i need to listen to the velvet teen with andrew again. i need to talk to kevin and jordan about stuff that they will be able to understand, and i need to hear the responses that only my pastor can give me. i need my friends. i need my community. no more of this “trying to find God on my own” shit. He’s there. now i need to know Him and learn more about Him through others. others who i don’t understand, but who get me, and can speak to what i have. could God do that here? yes, yes, and yes. has He? yes. but something in me longs for home, and i am going back.

blah.

here it is: my top ten albums of 2010

1. John Legend & The Roots- Wake Up!

2. Broken Bells- Broken Bells

3. Have Cake- Symmetry/Symmetry

4. The Roots- How I Got Over

5. Mumford & Sons- Sigh No More (released 2010 in US)

6. Gorillaz- Plastic Beach

7. Nneka- Concrete Jungle

8. Sonnymoon- The Golden Age

9. Menomena- Mines

10. El-P- Weareallgoingtoburninhellremixxx3

now, i don’t want to hear your whinin’ because your top album didn’t make it on the list. this is my opinion. end of story.

holy discontent, batman!

sometimes i feel as though i will never be able to settle down. don’t get me wrong, devoted readers (all five or six of you!), i definitely feel as though here in minnesota is where God would have me. so here in minnesota i shall be. but the fact is, we all know that this is not my final place before i put some roots into the ground. i have never been one to stay still, and i have never been one to build a home. and for the longest time, i thought that i would eventually settle down, and maybe start a family. yet here i am, still uncertain of any future whatsoever, and yet again feeling the itch of discontent. again.

it must be clarified that there is nothing that i have against any place that i have been, nor do i have anything against the people within those places. many people confuse my uprootedness as a dissatisfaction with them, rather than just an unsettled feeling that pushes me forward to my next “home”. i think that’s why i’ve spent so much time with my pastor discussing that i need to just settle down somewhere and be content.

but what if that’s not what i’m supposed to do? what if i’m actually supposed to move from place to place, offering whatever it is that God has for me to offer, giving it away, spending time encouraging the community and moving on when the Spirit nudges me again?

i am not one to stay still. and i’m beginning to see that this is not a bad thing. when God wants me to, He will plant me in a place. i have full confidence in that (God forbid He should never do that for me!). it’s never easy being separated from the ones that i love. it’s never easy to not know what’s around the corner. but maybe that’s it. maybe God wants me to have to find comfort in Him. and maybe this is the way He’s made me to do it. we’re not all the same. we are not all called to travel and travail all over. but neither are all of us called to stay in one area for the rest of our lives, even if our community really is beautiful. some people are called to help plant and nurture other communities, to plant seeds of the Gospel, and to move on to the next thing. this has nothing to do with a fear of commitment. i would love to sit down somewhere, and to feel at peace. i would love to not feel compelled to go somewhere else whenever i sit down to pray. i would love to know that i can just work where i am, and not have to worry about where i will be moving to net. but that’s never the way that i have been built, least of which in my walk with Christ. He says go, and i’ll go. He says stay, i’ll stay. a Strong Wind blows, and i pray that when It tells us to stay, that we will stay, and that when It tells us to go, that we will go.