blah-g

well, it’s official. i’m coming back to oregon on the first of november. crazy, huh? want to know something even more crazy?

i’m going back to school.

deep breath. i know it’s a lot to handle. and not a moment too soon. for some reason, i’ve been feeling pretty jaded lately. things i’ve never questioned before are now in question. things i used to love i can no longer stand. being out here has really changed me. i hope that it’s for the better. it’s not that i think that i can’t get through this period of skepticism out here in minnesota. i just want to see my family and friends. i want all of this spiritual experience to be balanced.

i don’t ever feel like i really know what’s going on in my life, and i think it’s coming to a point in which i’m going to need to grab a hold of something a little more solid. maybe it’s time to settle down, start a family. “do something with your life,” as my mom would say. i have no idea what that would look like, and at this point, i’m not sure that i would care. i have not had a dream or aspiration for years. maybe it’s time God and i went shopping.

“what do you think of this one?”

it should be an interesting process, this trying to find a middle ground. it’s frustrating, this feeling that i’ve been wrong my whole life. but maybe i haven’t. maybe it’s just time for a new season. i find myself being more irritable lately. i miss home. i never thought i’d call salem that, but- well, there it is. i miss andrew, i miss noel and hamsa. i miss kevin and jordan, and my church, and our lovably stupid dogs (bernard is going to pay for sleeping in my bed during my absence). i miss my sister, and my mom and dad. hell, i even miss avoiding my ex’s family.

do you ever feel like God has positioned your heart to feel like there’s nothing there? or am i falling into darkness? i doubt it’s the latter, since it would imply God’s giving up on me. but that’s where i am. i love my job here, but i have nothing left in me. i feel like i’m dying emotionally, becoming harder as the days go by. i need to hug noel again. i need to listen to the velvet teen with andrew again. i need to talk to kevin and jordan about stuff that they will be able to understand, and i need to hear the responses that only my pastor can give me. i need my friends. i need my community. no more of this “trying to find God on my own” shit. He’s there. now i need to know Him and learn more about Him through others. others who i don’t understand, but who get me, and can speak to what i have. could God do that here? yes, yes, and yes. has He? yes. but something in me longs for home, and i am going back.

blah.